#11 Costa Rica Diaries: Surrendering to Divine Flow

During the magical flow of life in Costa Rica, I experienced an extraordinary dream—though it felt more like a transition to another dimension. Three enormous beings of light appeared before me in brilliant white radiance. They weren't human but more like angels, without clear forms—just three very bright orbs of light. "If you want to see the truth," they told me, "repeat this number," and gave me what seemed like a phone number. After I repeated it several times, they began moving away, and I started waking up. The moment I opened my eyes, I wrote the number in my notebook so I wouldn't forget it.

I didn't understand what truth they meant or how this number would help me find it. But I sensed that meditating with this number might reveal something important.

At this time, my period was about two weeks late. I was certain it was from traveling—after all, Andrew and I had only spent one week together when he visited me in Nicaragua the previous month. Afterward, he returned to Los Angeles while I came to Costa Rica. Our relationship was flourishing, and we talked almost daily, discussing how to merge our lives. I was loving my nomadic lifestyle and wanted to continue this freedom for a few more years. Andrew had decided to quit his job in Los Angeles, get his yoga teacher training, and travel with me. This would allow us to teach yoga in the places we visited.

During one of our planning conversations, I mentioned that my period was late and I had a slight headache because of it. Of course, this delay was due to travel and climate change. However, Andrew thought differently. "Are you pregnant?" he asked. "Of course not, don't be ridiculous," I replied, closing the subject.

In our next conversation, Andrew brought it up again: "If you're pregnant, I'm ready. We can start a family." I was shocked. Although we had a fairy-tale story, we'd only known each other five months—and only one of those months had been spent physically together. I had no doubt Andrew was my soulmate and that we'd spend our lives together, but this seemed too fast for starting a family. I was at the peak of my freedom, enjoying life fully, staying wherever I wanted for as long as I pleased. I wasn't ready to give up this freedom yet.

"You don't just have a baby on the road like this," I told him. "I'm not ready to be a mother yet. Do you really feel like you are ready to be a father? It's too early for this." And I closed the subject again.

A few days later, Andrew participated in an all-day shamanic meditation journey. When I curiously asked about his experience the next day, he shared something profound:

"I don't know how to tell you this, but since you asked, I'll share it. As soon as I closed my eyes and entered meditation, I found myself lying on my back in the middle of a huge stadium arena. When I turned towards my side, you were lying right next to me—pregnant. The entire stadium was filled with the spirits of both our ancestors, all supporting us. I had doubts from our previous conversation about whether we were both ready to be parents since we just met. But all of our ancestors filling the stadium had a very clear message for us: ‘You are ready. You were made for this! You came together at this time to bring this soul into the world. Embrace this soul. We are all with you. You have tremendous support that you don’t see!' Then I heard our child's voice calling 'daddy, daddy.' I know you think you're not pregnant, but I believe you are, and we'll find out soon. I know you think you're not ready, but when we discover you're pregnant, please—can we at least talk about it before immediately rejecting the possibility?”

His eyes filled with tears. He was deeply affected by this experience. For a moment, I was speechless. Then a rage welled up inside me. I wasn't pregnant—how many times would I have to say this? Moreover, how could he try to put such emotional pressure on me after I told him I wasn't ready to be a mother? Even if I was pregnant, didn't he know how bad I would feel about saying no to a child calling him "daddy"? How could he try to force me to have a child by making me feel guilty?

Noticing my anger, Andrew asked what I was thinking. I told him all my thoughts one by one. He immediately apologized, explaining that his only intention was to share his experience and express how deeply affected he was. He didn't want to make me feel bad or guilty.

"This is your body and your choice," he said. "I love you very much no matter what, and I'm always by your side. I won't bring up this topic again unless you want to.”

So we closed the subject. In the following days, Andrew kept his word. Every morning he texted asking how I was, expressing his love abundantly. After our argument, my love and trust for Andrew deepened. His ability to stay calm when I was angry, to listen and understand me, respect my choices and boundaries, then lovingly support me—these were essential qualities in a man I would want to share my life with.

Days passed and I still hadn't gotten my period. I began experiencing physical symptoms: occasional nausea, fatigue, and increased appetite. Crazy questions started spinning in my mind. What if I really was pregnant? Having an abortion somehow didn't sit well with me—not because I was against it, but when I thought about this option, my heart wasn't at ease. My body seemed to resist it; all my cells were saying no. But I also wasn't ready to have a baby. What would I do?

Just then, I remembered the dream from days prior. The angelic light beings had given me a number, telling me I could find the truth with it. It seemed like the time had come to meditate with this number.

That evening, I sat before my altar, lit my candles, closed my eyes and began meditating. I continuously repeated the number they gave me. Unclear images passed before my eyes, and my mind wandered. Then the shadow of a man appeared and gave me a box. At first, I thought my mind was creating this and didn't dwell on it. But then I remembered Greg's advice from Sedona: "If you see a treasure or a box during your meditation, or if someone gives you a gift, take it and open it—this could be important information or insight.”

I immediately went back in my mind, took the box from the unknown man, and thanked him. When I opened the box, I saw a green stone in it. As soon as I saw it, a voice inside me said "jade stone." I had no knowledge about crystals and didn't know what this green stone was. I looked at the elderly man who gave me the box; he told me to follow this stone.

I opened my eyes and came out of meditation, having no idea what any of this meant. I didn't even know if the green stone I saw was actually jade—I'd never seen one before. Was the voice I heard correct? I immediately googled "jade stone" and looked at the images. Yes— this was exactly the stone I saw in my meditation. Somehow, I knew it.

But how would I find this jade stone? What did it mean to follow it? And what did this have to do with finding the truth? I couldn't figure it out. Then I realized I wouldn't find the answer through thinking. I never found the right answers by thinking with my mind anyway. I decided to stop thinking and trust that these questions would gain clarity within life's flow. The answers would show themselves to me.

I believe the universe communicates with people and guides them through magical signs. Sometimes a blue butterfly appearing in our path, or words written on a restaurant sign. What mattered was staying present and seeing these signs. So I simply intended to keep my eyes open within the flow and be able to see the universe's signs.

The next day, I joined a group of forty people to climb the waterfalls in the jungle and go zip-lining. While walking from one waterfall to another, I started chatting with our tour guide. He asked, "Where will you go next in Costa Rica? Do you have a travel plan?”

"After here, I'm going to Monteverde for a week, then returning to United States" I replied.

"Hmm, Monteverde is very beautiful. If you stop by San Jose, I definitely recommend visiting the Jade Museum."

"Jade Museum?"

"Yes, it's very beautiful, a big museum. You should definitely visit.”

I hadn't told him I was going to San Jose, but since my flight departed from there, I would spend two days in the city. Among dozens of places he could have mentioned, his suggestion of the Jade Museum was unbelievable! This was a magical sign from the universe. Clearly, I would find the jade stone I was looking for in this museum. Museums usually had small shops selling souvenirs—maybe I would find my stone there. What kind of message would this stone bring me? Perhaps it would activate some powers related to my intuition, or carrying it would strengthen my healing abilities.

I couldn't know what would happen, but it was clear that the stone I would find would be precious to me. This stone excited me so much that it made me forget all my worries and anxieties about pregnancy. Nothing remained in my mind except this stone I would find.

When I arrived in San Jose a few days later, I planned my museum visit. The next morning, I woke up early, did my meditation, and headed to the museum as soon as it opened. While walking through the city, a pharmacy appeared in front of me. I had been so focused on jungle trips, waterfall jumping, and finding my stone that it didn’t even occur to me to take a pregnancy test. I was so sure I wasn't pregnant that I didn’t feel the need. But what’s the harm in taking a test? I quickly went into the pharmacy, bought one, and continued towards the museum.

When I arrived at the museum, my first task was to go to the bathroom and take the pregnancy test. Contrary to what I expected, the test was positive. I was pregnant. I sat in the bathroom in shock for a while, not knowing how to feel. This was very untimely. I wanted to be a mother in this life, but not yet. I wanted to travel extensively and settle into a stable life first. Moreover, although my relationship with Andrew was going well, it was still very new. My family knew I had a boyfriend, but we weren't married. I didn't know how they would react.

Was I ready to have a baby? I didn't know—I felt more like I wasn't ready. But for some reason, deep inside, my body didn't want to terminate this pregnancy. When I thought about abortion, I felt very strong resistance in my body. Maybe it was hormones.

While thinking about all this, I suddenly decided to stop. I didn't have to make this decision right now. I was in the jade museum and had come here to find my stone. I decided to set these thoughts aside for a few hours and focus on finding my stone.

I texted Andrew: "Good morning, I'm pregnant. But I'm at the Jade Museum now. I don't want to think about it or discuss this topic for a few hours. I'm going to tour the museum and find my stone. We'll talk around noon. Love you.”

I came out of the bathroom feeling better and ready to find my stone. I headed toward the exhibition on the upper floor with excitement. As soon as I opened the door, a huge sculpture appeared before me—a mother breastfeeding her baby. While I was trying to escape the subject, life was not allowing me to do so, forcing me to confront the situation. The universe was speaking to me, persistently showing me the way, but I didn't want to hear it.

Maybe it was time to face the truth rather than run away. I learned that the jade stone is important for fertility, frequently used by shamans for both healing and shape-shifting. Throughout the exhibition, I kept reading about large families, ancestors, and children. Finally, I decided to stop resisting, and realize the message this place seemed to have for me— one about starting a family.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Why had I shown such resistance to becoming a mother? Was it because of what people would say? I had stopped caring about others' opinions long ago. For months, I'd been living on the other side of the world, in the jungle, sometimes going days without talking to anyone. These were the happiest and most peaceful months of my life.

This process had shown me how happy I could be by myself, that I didn't need anyone for a joyful life. People’s opinions about my pregnancy didn't really matter to me at all. Was I afraid of my family's reaction? Not really. Even if they got angry, I knew they would never abandon me. Even if they did, I had a whole universe and divine love holding me. As long as I claim and embrace myself, was it possible to be abandoned in life? I don’t think so.

So where was this resistance coming from? It was coming from my controlling side. I had made a plan with my mind—a brilliant plan, in my opinion: travel for a few years, learn healing, find my commune and village to settle into, then get married and have children. This pregnancy didn't fit the wonderful plan I made with my mind. That's why it wasn't right according to my logic. However, one of my favorite sayings is: "Man makes plans, God laughs.”

I remembered a conversation with Greg from a few months ago. He offered me a profound insight during one of our hikes:

“Your mind will come up with amazing ideas about where to go, which direction to take in your journey of life. These ideas will seem great to you—you'll say 'Ah! Yes, I found my way.' Then sometimes when you try to go that way, something will push you back. It will be difficult to proceed because there's something more important than your mind's amazing ideas: divine flow. A good idea and divine flow are not the same thing. Sometimes they can show the same path, but they are different things. You must follow not your mind's good ideas, but this divine flow that you can only feel with your heart, even if it doesn't sit well with your mind at all. This path will always bring you into the light, ultimately taking you where you need to be. When you insist on your good ideas, if this path is different from the divine flow, you'll see that your logical plans bring you to a dead end. After a journey full of difficulty, conflict, and struggle, and you'll have to turn back.”

How beautiful such spiritual statements sound when we listen to them—our hearts become enlightened and we think we can easily apply them to life when the time comes. However, throughout the past few weeks, I had opposed this path that divine flow was directing me to with all my being. I insistently had been defending my mind's great ideas with so much passion. Because the path that divine flow was directing me to seemed scary, difficult, and unknown. It was a path I didn't know how to follow or how to get through.

I think it's precisely at these times that a person's faith and trust in the divine are tested. It was at these difficult moments that surrendering to the flow is most needed. Although surrender might seem frightening, when we let go of our mind's ideas and surrender to life's divine flow, an inner peace comes—a deep peace of remembering you're exactly where you need to be.

But just as I would feel like surrendering, yearning for this peace, suddenly my controlling mind was pulling me back into resistance with thousands of questions: Would Andrew really want this baby? What would happen if he didn't? Would I be able to be a mother on my own? Where would I give birth? Where would we live? Would I have to go back to the modern life I hated so much?

I took a deep breath and decided to take a break from these questions. I closed my eyes and prayed: "God, I'm ready to surrender. Give me the strength to surrender, to let myself go with the flow." Then I texted Roko: "Roko, I'm pregnant!" In the moments when I felt stuck, Roko was my biggest supporter. He immediately responded and we had a session when I got back from the museum.

"Roko, I'm pregnant but I don't think I'm ready for this."

"Have you ever had a child before?"

"No, I haven't."

"Then how do you know you're not ready?” Damn. 

“Urala, people define being ready with very material things; they measure their readiness with questions like 'Do I have a house? Do I have a settled life?' But none of these matter. There's only one important question: In your heart, in your soul, do you want this child? You're looking for the answer in my explanations, but I don't have an answer to give you. The only answer is in your heart, not in the questions or arguments of your mind. A soul in the universe wants to come into this world through you and manifest a creation here. Do you want to be a partner in this creation? Do you want to share your life with this soul and experience a creation together? You can think of this as a kind of marriage proposal. There's no right or wrong answer. You can say yes or no. This is entirely up to you. But you must make this decision by feeling it with your heart. Now I'm going to put you into a deep meditation so you can calm your mind and enter the heart space. Here you'll meet your baby's soul. See how you feel—you'll understand whether you want it or not.”

I laid down and Roko guided me into deep meditation. As the questions in my mind dispersed and quieted, I began to feel and hear my heart again. I felt very happy. I was happy to be pregnant.

Just then, Roko said, "Yes, now you're connecting with your baby's soul.” At that exact moment, loud thunder and lightning suddenly began striking outside one after another. It was a very powerful soul with a strong purpose in coming to this world.

"Now ask if it has a message for you," Roko said.

Again, just at this moment, a child at my door suddenly started shouting, "mama, mama, mama,” at the top of his lungs and then ran away. I got goosebumps; my eyes filled with tears. I felt a very deep and profound love. I asked if the baby's soul had a message for me, and a single sentence echoed in my heart, "I'm coming to expand and spread love and joy in your life.”

I knew from very deep within, with unshakeable strength, that I wanted this baby. I had no doubts or uncertainties left. How had I been so caught up in my fears for weeks when the answer in my heart was so clear? There were no question marks. I felt a very loving, joyful, and good-hearted soul coming. I was honored that such a soul wanted to create something together with me. My answer was yes. It didn't matter how it would happen—no matter what, I wanted this soul in my life. The answers to questions about how it would happen would surely show themselves within life's flow.

After this conversation, I called Andrew and told him I wanted the baby. I could see from his eyes that he was happy, but he remained grounded in his response, “I’m really happy to hear this. I think we should sleep on it and talk about it when you arrive in LA tomorrow.” When I arrived in LA the next day, our conversation lasted all of ten seconds:

Urala: ”I want this baby." 

Andrew: ”I want it too." 

Urala: ”So we're having a baby?" 

Andrew: ”It looks like it :)”

Glad we slept on it. 

Not only did our lives completely change in one day, but we suddenly found ourselves in the middle of all our dreams coming true. After we decided we wanted the baby, we both talked about not wanting to raise our child in modern city life. We didn't want to return to our old, stifling modern lives. Both of our dreams were to live a slow life in nature, in a community with shared values, growing our own food, away from all the chaos.

When I first met Andrew, he had told me about a place in Costa Rica he saw in a Netflix documentary. This place called Ecovilla was regenerating the lands, that had been destroyed for livestock and abandoned, into living communities and food forests. By purchasing a small lot, you would both fund the project and be able to build your own house within the framework of respect for nature. This was exactly the kind of eco-community we had dreamed of. Moreover, it had a tiny village school with alternative education where children learned by playing mostly outdoors under their own leadership, exploring in nature.

When we first watched this documentary, we had talked about how our dream was to live in a place exactly such as this. Now that we had decided to become a family, it was time to realize this dream. The same day we decided to keep our baby, we contacted one of the project representatives, who got back to us a few hours later. The next day, we had an online meeting, chose a lot from the community land, and made the first installment payment.

The only decision left was where we would give birth and where we would live until we built our house. This wasn't difficult to decide either—as an expectant mother, I wanted to be close to my family. Also, access to healthy food was much easier and more affordable in Turkey compared to United States. Spending these first years quietly and peacefully by a seaside town in Urla appealed to both of us.

Thus, within 48 hours Andrew and I decided to get married, have a baby, and build a life in Costa Rica. When making these decisions, we had only known each other five months, with only one of those months living together. Although doubts, fears, and realistic question marks occasionally arose in our minds, we were united and clear in our hearts. We were certain of every decision.

Now, I'm writing this blog post from Costa Rica, exactly two years after making these decisions. Our little one is about to turn 18 months old. We moved to Costa Rica earlier than expected, about 6 months ago. Although we struggled from time to time during these two years, and our marriage was tested plenty after our baby was born, we continued to choose each other and stay committed to our dreams. Today, we thank God every day for all of these decisions we made two years ago.

We're grateful that we found each other in the middle of the desert as partners who enjoy sharing life together so much. Who could enthusiastically embark on such an adventure together. Who can hold each other during difficult days. Who run to each other to share their joys and excitements. Thank goodness we got married.

Our little one, just as his soul told me when I was pregnant, has infinitely expanded the love and joy in our lives. We're grateful that every day we can rediscover life through his eyes; that his pure laughter lifts our souls up; that we spend each day with thousands of different games and kisses. Our little one is our greatest blessing. Thank goodness I said yes— we said yes to such a beautiful soul.

We're endlessly grateful for our move to Costa Rica, where we wake up to birds chirping, greet the sun from the jungle, harvest fresh produce weekly, live without rushing, connect with like-minded families, and embrace the country's culture of slow, mindful living.

Thank goodness we didn't let our minds cloud our judgment and made this heart-centered decision to buy land here. Thank goodness we didn't let fear of "it will be difficult with the baby" stop us—instead, we took our little one in our arms and came here before he was even one year old. Now we enjoy peaceful forest walks, river swimming, and weekend beach play together.

Now, looking back, I remember the dream I envisioned years ago at the "Path into Light" seminar. I would meet my soulmate on the road, get married, start a family, and live communally in a village immersed in nature. When I dreamt this life then, it seemed like such a distant, far away future. The universe delivered all of these dreams within only two years.

In his book "The Alchemist," Paulo Coelho says: "When you really want something with all your heart, the entire universe conspires to make it happen.”

I know now from my own life that this saying is true. When I was able to say, "I want this with all my heart,” and could love myself enough to know that I deserved all my dreams, that I deserved happiness and beauty, the universe gave me everything I wanted much faster than I could have ever imagined.

Thus, the first part of my journey that began with selling my house ended with a surprise ending that I could never have predicted. Now, a completely different journey would begin—my journey of continuing life as a mother, dreaming new dreams.

In this part of my journey, I learned that life becomes incredibly more fascinating and beautiful when we dare to trust our heart's guidance. While our mind's calculations, plans, and fears limit us, our hearts take us to the gateway of infinite possibilities.

Therefore, I want to remind you, and myself in my continuing journey: surrendering to the divine flow of life is not losing control. On the contrary, it is unleashing life's deepest wisdom and wonders. Listen to your heart's whispers and trust this voice—because within you, there is a sacred compass that will turn all your dreams into reality. Perhaps only when we surrender to the divine flow, real miracles start happening in our life -things that are much more beautiful than what we plan. When these beauties are offered to you by the universe, accept them with gratitude and know that you deserve all of these beauties the way you are, here and now.

Urala