#8 Nicaragua Diaries: Reconnecting with my Body

I was coming to the end of my time in Sedona. My relationship with Andrew had been going great, and we were both very excited to spend time together, so I decided to spend the next month in Los Angeles with him.  I had no idea, however, where I would go afterward. When I started traveling, I decided not to be controlling about my journey and instead listen to my heart, be spontaneous and go with the flow of life.  I never made travel plans too far out. Within the flow, I knew that the next stop on my journey would present itself to me as a sign. I adopted Rumi's famous saying as a guiding principle: “As you start to walk on the way, the way appears”.  And that's exactly what happened.

Greg knew that I enjoyed practicing yoga. I had mentioned to him that I wanted to further develop my practice. As we were wrapping up our sessions, he told me about a place with a good yoga program. The next day I checked the website he mentioned and discovered that it was in Nicaragua. This charming place was an eco-community by the ocean. They offered three meals daily, made from fresh local produce. You could also participate in daily yoga and surf classes. Nicaragua had never been on my mind before, but when I saw this place, I felt a thrill in my heart. While browsing their website I saw a twenty-one-day yoga teacher training was coming up. I had been thinking about taking a yoga teacher training to deepen my practice for some time. The sign seemed clear. There was no question left in my mind; this was my next destination. I immediately booked my tickets and made my reservations. After my trip to Los Angeles, I would spend the next three months in Nicaragua. This would give me enough time to practice yoga daily and prepare my body for the training. Plus I would still have time to travel other parts of Nicaragua after the training.

Thus, after spending a dreamy month with Andrew in Los Angeles, I found myself on the roads to Nicaragua. Dreamy as the past month may have been, I had eaten and drunk a lot with Andrew and our friends. When I boarded the plane, I could feel my belly pressing against my pants. Like every woman raised in a modern capitalist society, I was constantly struggling with a negative body image. Even worse, I was a woman raised with feminist values in a modern capitalist society. Not only I was feeling bad about gaining weight, I was also judging myself for feeling bad about gaining weight. Telling myself, “How can I let patriarchal capitalist values dictate my emotions about my body? Shame on me!” Much of my life was spent oscillating between wanting to look "more beautiful, more sexy" and "I should love and accept my body." Since being a woman who wants to lose weight deeply insulted my feminist spirit, I labeled my desire/struggle to lose weight or look a certain way as a "health" goal. Honestly, this label sat well with me. After all, there was nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy and strong. It was also very clear that physical health nourished emotional and mental well-being.

In short, I had spent the last ten years reading scientific articles about healthy eating, healthy living, and exercise blogs.  I had tried every type of diet through different times of my life. I read about the benefits of a protein-heavy diet and had done that for a while. Then I read that healthy carbohydrates are also good, so I incorporated them into my life. Later, I learned that meat isn’t that great, so I stopped eating it. Then I read that vegan diet is the best, so I followed a vegan diet. But then I learned again that it wasn't necessarily meat itself, but rather dairy products and red meat were the problem; eating chicken and fish had actually benefits. So I did that for a while too. I read that having three meals a day with snacks was the best, so that’s what I did. But then I discovered that intermittent fasting was the way to go, so I forced myself to eat only two meals a day. I was told that fruit was good, so I ate fruit, but then I heard that fruit had actually too much sugar, so I stopped eating it. I read that nuts were good, so I ate them; then I read they weren't good, so I stopped eating them. I tried every possible combination of answers to questions about what to eat, how much to eat, when to eat and how often. And not just once—I implemented each way of eating hundreds of times based on the sources I was reading, the health influencers, or dietitians I followed at the time. There seemed to be no end to what people had to say about how we should eat. Every day, as new things—or old things said in new ways—came up, I repeatedly tried different approaches. None of them were permanent. I never felt better in my relationship with my body. My confusion never ended. I never truly knew what was good or bad for me.

As I was on my flight to Nicaragua, I intended to lose weight again for my goal of 'health,' motivated by the discomfort I felt in my belly. Over the next three months, I planned to eat very healthy, practice lots of yoga, and emerge from these three months with a fit yoga body. I arrived at the eco-community, Costa Dulce, feeling very motivated. I settled into my room and then went to check the schedule for yoga classes. I saw that the next day there was a new moon cacao ceremony on the program. Since I love all kinds of ceremonies, I was very eager to attend. The new moon is a particularly powerful time to set intentions for new beginnings. We started the ceremony by drinking cacao. Cacao is known to be a strong heart opener and a medicine plant. When consumed in a certain dose, it expands the blood vessels, lowers blood pressure and heart rate, naturally putting you into a deep meditative state. In ancient times, the local shamans here used cacao to communicate with Gods and the spirits. After we drank our cacao, we closed our eyes and transitioned into meditation. As I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, I heard my body talking to me. She said only one sentence and then fell silent as if she wanted me to stay with what she said. She simply said,

"You never talk to me.”

Suddenly, I felt as if ice cold water had splashed onto my face. This simple yet sharp sentence shook me to my core. How could I have not realized this before? Suddenly I realized that I truly never talk to my body. In fact she is constantly trying to communicate with me but I never listen to her. I ask questions directly about her such as what and how much to eat to countless health influencers, dietitians, and researchers, I listen to these complete strangers who don’t know anything about me. Yet I don’t listen my own body about what she needs or how she wants to be nourished. How ridiculous! I forcefully apply a set of rules I read here and there to my body without even asking her how she feels about them. Then I judge her about the way she looks as a result of a series of decisions that she wasn’t even involved in.

Yet, there is no such thing in nature. No one tells the birds, cows or lions what and how much they should eat. Millions of living beings seem to be thriving in nature by eating exactly what they need without this externally influenced, science based information. Cows simply don’t eat meat without needing anyone to tell them that they should eat grass. Nor lions think “we don’t eat enough greens; we need to eat more fiber," and then go eat grass. If these animals were human, we would force cows to eat meat by telling them that they need more protein or they would get weak in muscles or we would force lions to eat salad by telling them too much meat consumption would give them a heart attack. I'm sure the outcome wouldn’t be good for either. Isn’t this exactly what we’re doing to ourselves with modern diets today?

Eating and moving are matters of the body, not matters of the mind. Therefore doesn’t it make more sense that decisions regarding eating and moving are made by our own bodies based on our intuitive wisdom, not by our minds based on outer knowledge that doesn’t account for any of our  unique individual biological structure? Isn't it absurd to search for information from others about what and how we should eat or move? Others can share their answers and practices that are right for them, sure, but what's right for  them may not be right for you. Some people feel they’re best when they eat a diet heavy in meat, while others may find meat indigestible and makes them sick, feeling they’re best when they eat primarily vegetables and carbohydrates. Just like many species in nature, we can also exhibit great biological variations among us. How accurate is it to expect the general nutrition rules to produce the same results in all of us?

Furthermore, what is right for our bodies can change from day to day. One day we may need more food, while another day we might go without needing much. One meal we might crave lots of vegetables, while the next meal we may need a more carbohydrate or protein-rich meal. Isn't each of our bodies unique, with its own set of needs? And don't our needs constantly change depending on our current circumstances just like seasons? So, how accurate is it to follow the same specific dietary rules on a daily basis without listening to our bodies, just because an expert or some scientific studies said so? And then expect the same results every day when our bodies in fact change every single day?

For a long time, these questions felt too hard or complex for my mind to understand and so I thought I needed to read scientific studies and listen to experts to find the best answers for my body. Yet there always has been a much simpler, easier method to finding the right answers: asking my own body what she needs on a daily, hourly, meal to meal basis. I realized these questions of what to eat and how to move only become an overly complex, difficult equation on an intellectual basis. For our bodies, there is not even an equation or question to start with because they already have all the answers. The questions are only created by the mind. When we are one with our bodies, eating and moving become a mere existence— a flow, a dance. And I could only imagine what enormous inner peace, health and vitality this unity brings.

Thus, I realized the health goals I had set coming to Nicaragua were completely irrelevant. I had pursued similar goals for years, but none of them had brought me anywhere beyond periodic weight gain and loss. Now was the time to set new intentions from a different plane.

In the new moon ceremony, I set my intention to reconnect and reunite with my body. At first my dominant mind seemed to be an obstacle to this reunion. Yet, I also had learned from my meditation practice that declaring my mind as an enemy, trying to silence or suppress it, wouldn't work. Indeed, my mind, just like my body, was a part of myself, and union could only be possible by including it in this dance. I could use the analytical, observant and inquisitive nature of my mind to serve this union. The only thing I needed to do was to give her new questions to pursue.

For example:

• How can I rediscover myself along with my body with every new day?

• What could be the ways to reestablish a deep connection with my body?

• How do I listen to my body? How can I hear her voice better? How can I relearn her language?

• How do I allow my body's wisdom to guide me? How do I learn to surrender myself to her wisdom?

• How can I distinguish my body's voice from other voices when the voice of my mind, my fears, and my desires to adapt to the outer world are dominant?

• How do I learn to love, embrace and honor myself as I am, in all of my seasons? How can I see the unique beauty in all my seasons? On days when I can't see it, can I still accept myself with love and compassion?

It was clear that these new questions would lead me to a much more holistic spiritual, emotional, and physical health. I dedicated the three months I would spend in Nicaragua to reconnecting with my body and honoring her through exploring these questions.

I emerged from the new moon ceremony feeling liberated. I came to my room at night and fell asleep with the excitement of waking up to a rule-free next day. However, this excitement gave way to bewilderment at breakfast time the following day. It had been so long since I had become so accustomed to always listening to others about how I should eat, trying to base my eating habits on 'scientific' principles. Now I was feeling like a fish out of water when it came to instinctively listening to my body. Everything I knew was now invalid.

I must have frozen for a while looking at the breakfast options in front of me because a chaotic parliamentary debate was ongoing in my head: 'You had an intolerance to eggs, skip the eggs. Oh, but wait, I wasn’t supposed to listen to my mind. Maybe I don't have an intolerance anymore, maybe my body wants eggs. Let me see, does my body want eggs? I'm not sure if she wants them now. Well, does listening to my body mean just eating whatever I want? If I crave kebab now, does this craving mean it is my body who wants kebap? Could my body ever want kebab at the crack of dawn? Can I crave food without my body needing or wanting it? I think I can. I don't think my body wanted the chips I ate in front of the TV just because I craved them. Well, who craved those chips then? I guess that was my mind chasing pleasure, isn't that emotional eating? Isn't it the mind again chasing easy pleasures to avoid feeling difficult emotions or emptiness? Indeed, the way my stomach was aching after eating the bags of chips was my body telling me 'why did you do this to me, I'm not happy with this choice, I didn't want this trash food’. But then, when my body really wants to eat something, isn’t she going to tell me this need through a craving? If we separate these two types of 'cravings', one as mental/emotional pleasure and the other as the body's real, physical need, how do I distinguish between them? Oh man, I did not think this would be this hard, it was way easier to listen to others.’

At this moment I realized that the cook lady was impatiently waiting for my answer about whether I wanted eggs or not - along with fifteen people behind me. I took a deep breath and said ‘yes.' As I sat down to eat, I understood that this journey coming back to my body might not be as easy and smooth as I thought. Yet, I also knew that it wouldn’t always be this difficult and complicated. Could I then go through this journey with the curiosity and excitement of my inner five-year-old, stumbling and playing, rather than trying to find the ‘right’ answers in control freak mode? I could go through this journey as if learning a new language, without fear of making mistakes, and actually accepting that the only way to learn is through making mistakes. Maybe I could even enjoy my mistakes, laugh at my self for my silliness and keep embracing myself when I struggle. I could allow my body and the different flavors I encounter to surprise me each and every time.

I only adopted one simple practice to follow with every meal. Before every meal, I connected to my heart and set my intention to hear my body. I stoped scrutinizing and analyzing where the voices were coming from (because I realized that it becomes impossible to untangle when I do). I accepted the first voice that passed through my heart as the voice of my body. I put small portions of the foods she asked for on my plate. While eating, I tried to eat without talking— slowly, throughly chewing, savoring every bite, turning the act of eating into meditation. After each bite, I asked my body if she was happy, if she liked the food, if she wanted more or maybe she was full, or maybe she wanted something else. I followed whatever I thought my body was telling me at the time.

Sometimes I continued eating, sometimes I stopped. Sometimes I stopped even though I still felt hungry, and then I discovered that I was actually quite satisfied with the amount I had eaten. I realized that mental and emotional hunger could feel very much like physical hunger. Some days I was satisfied with three full meals, while on other days just one meal and some snacks were enough. Sometimes I craved protein, sometimes lots of greens. And so, I continued my journey, experimenting, making mistakes. With each mistake and each meal practice, the bond and the relationship I established with my body strengthened. Sometimes I ate too much and felt uncomfortable when I finished the meal only to realize I was eating driven by my emotions again. At such times, I apologized to my body. Each and every time she forgave me with so much love and compassion. I realized it was already enough for my body that I tried to connect with her every day and made a sincere effort for our relationship.

During this process, I acquired another practice that kept me on track and supported me greatly. Almost every morning I woke up at dawn and honored my body with a short sun salutation yoga flow to the rising sun. I ended my flow with a short meditation in silence, connecting with myself and my inner voice.  I continued this practice without being forceful. There were days when I felt my body needed to sleep in and rest. Those days I did not force her to wake up early -otherwise what’s the point of honoring my body if I am not going to listen to her for another set of rules? On such days, I slept, rested, and did my practice whenever I woke up.

As for exercise, I continued with the same principle. Every day, I asked my body what she wanted, how she wanted to move. Again I didn't set any strict rules for myself like I used to. When I didn't want to move, I rested; when I wanted to stretch lightly, I just stretched lightly; when the day came that I wanted to move faster, I ran on the beach, went to hiking in the forest. In short, I kept the promise I made to myself at the very beginning of my journey and rediscovered my body with each new day, eating and moving however she wanted.

Thus, day by day, I became lighter. I'm not only talking about physical lightness. I had become emotionally and spiritually lighter. As I listened to my body and honored her, my physical pains and fatigue melted away, disappearing with each passing day. I realized that the chronic physical pain, stiffness, tension, heaviness, and fatigue I became accustomed to living with were actually the ways my body trying to make herself heard. She was trying to connect with me but because I never truly talked to her or make her a priority in my life, she could only make herself seen or taken seriously through pain and diseases. So that I would give her the care she longed for and deserved.

As I started to talking to my body frequently every day, took good care of her, appreciated her, and embraced her with love, I saw that she no longer needed this old form of communication. As the days passed, I watched her become lighter and more vibrant. At the core of this lightness there was only love. As I learned to love myself as a whole with my body, mind, emotions, and soul, a great burden was lifted from my shoulders. It turns out that the weights burdening me were not my pounds or fat cells, but they were my concerns about what others thought about me. My ruthless judgments about myself.  My constant efforts to adapt to the outer world and belong to others. As I found my belonging to myself, as I lovingly embraced every bit of myself, the heavy feeling over me silently slipped away. And at the end of these three months, what remained was a version of Urala as light as a bird.

The yoga training I received during these three months became a beautiful path for me towards myself. I learned that yoga actually means unity. I understood that if there is anything more important than what you do, it is how you do it. In the past, I used to do yoga in a goal-oriented way to become stronger, more flexible, or to look a certain way. I would aim to get ‘good' at yoga and try to perform the poses to impress others. However, through my training I learned yoga was actually a path to the union of mind, body and spirit. Therefore, every time I stepped on my mat, I started to set my intention only to meet myself at wherever I am. My yoga practice went far beyond being just a series of movements for my body. Yoga became a way for me to discover myself in my different states each day.  To re-embrace myself in all my seasons and to reunite within myself.

Nicaragua gifted me unforgettable memories, friendships, breathtaking magical scenery and magnificent sunsets (see my Nicaragua video). As I was approaching the end of my three-month stay, I started to get excited about where my next destination would be. I realized that the country name I heard most during these past three months was Costa Rica. I had no idea that my life would be again turned upside down in this magical country.

Urala