#6 Sedona Diaries: Reconnecting with Nature

Most of the stories about solo women going on spiritual inner journeys end when the main character finds love and reaches the ‘happy ending’. Well, I found love at the very beginning of my journey and I was not ready to settle for an ‘ending,’ for I believe there never is an ending to one’s inner journey. Moreover, the most fundamental thing that makes our relationship/marriage a happy, joyful one is that we stay committed to our own inner journeys and keep working on ourselves spiritually. So, I am more than thrilled that I get to keep sharing my journey and adventures with you along the way.

The Call to Sedona

After I met Andrew at White Sands, I hit the road again. This time my destination was Sedona. I had been to Sedona before and I remember being fascinated by its nature. I had also heard about the energy vortexes in the area and the spiritual draw of the town. This sounded like an ideal place to continue my spiritual journey. A place where I could indulge in plenty of nature walks and possibly find a shaman to work with. So, I went on internet and started searching for shamanic trainings in the area. That’s when I came upon Greg. He was a shaman with Native American roots and he was facilitating shamanic healing retreats tailor made for the individual. When I saw his picture, I knew in my heart that I wanted to see him. Like finding the perfect puzzle piece that fits just right, you say, "Aha, that’s it.” I have learned the feeling attached to ‘aha’ moments and recognized them as an important indicator of my heart’s desire saying, “This is where you need to go.” Even when I cannot understand why at the moment, or it doesn’t make sense to my mind. Whenever this feeling presents itself to me now, I follow it.

Therefore, I decided to give Greg a call and ask for more information. When I called he asked me, “What are your expectations from working with me? What do you want to take away from your retreat?” I said that I wanted to learn shamanic healing methods, for I too wanted to be a shamanic healer. However, his answer completely changed my perspective on becoming a healer. He said:

“I do not teach any methods or techniques. You already have the power of healing within you. The art of healing is something you already know, but maybe forgotten. What I do is hold healing sessions for you so that you can heal your wounds or remove your blocks that are preventing you from accessing your own inner wisdom or power of healing within. Once you do that, your God given gifts that are healing to the world will start to emerge. One does not become a healer through learning ‘healing techniques’ or ‘methods’. To be a healer, first you need to heal yourself— your own wounds. This is not something I can ‘teach’ you. This is something you already know, but need to remember. I can only be a guide on your healing journey and hold a safe, healing space for you to heal yourself. So, yes, we can work however long you’d like, but our sessions will be tailored towards healing yourself not about ‘things’ to do to be a healer. Our sessions will start with short conversations about you, then primarily taking nature walks -because mother nature is the most powerful healer and teacher. If you are okay with this, then we can start next week.”

Remembering True Path to Healing

I was taken with his response.  I realized in that moment that I had a way longer journey ahead of me than what I had originally thought. His attitude and approach reminded me a bit of Roko’s: ‘I am not teaching you anything new, you already know’. I understood that the way to remembering does not go through training programs, reading and listening to gurus or learning different methods. Of course, trying new things, reading and listening to different perspectives are valuable learning tools, but the way to become a healer is through healing oneself. True healing does not come directly from performing certain practices, but rather from accessing the divine within through these practices. The essential task is to liberate our divine power within, rooted in love, from our egotistical, mind induced, negative patterns and beliefs. Think about how many years we spend developing our ego identity and judgmental belief patterns. How we develop our sense of self derived from our ego and what society doctrines in us from birth. Taking this into account, I assumed that clearing all of these blockages would not happen easily overnight, or through the course of only one training program.

At first, my ego was disappointed by Greg’s response. She was expecting a concrete, ‘to do’ program producing a specific outcome from her journey, as if her journey was only worthwhile if something good was coming out of it. As if being as I am wasn’t enough. There had to be a new label I could identify with -in this case ‘healer’ or ‘shaman’.  At the beginning of my journey, I had left many of my identity labels behind. But I started feeling empty without them and something inside of me felt like I needed to rush to replace them. But now I was facing the truth -I had a long journey ahead in the empty void with only myself. If I truly wanted to dive deeper into my divine being, I would need to forgo any identities completely. Any other expectations or ‘to-do’s were merely a distraction.

For a moment, I felt scared and wanted to run back into my known world and identity, but then my inner child came out and she was very happy with this answer. For her, a longer journey meant more play time.  More traveling and more exploration -therefore more fun! Once I let go of my expectations and result-oriented mindset, a heavy burden lifted off my back. I said to myself, “Okay, whatever. I’ll just focus on today, have fun, enjoy my journey and we’ll see where it takes me.”  I told Greg that this works great for me and I rented an airbnb for myself in Sedona for a month.

Over the next month, Greg and I would typically work together three times per week. We went on many hikes in the forest and used mother nature as our greatest teacher. Of the many things I learned from Greg during this period, there are two priceless connections he helped me remember. One of them has changed the way I live my life and my connection to the world, making me a happier, more loving, more grateful person every day.  The other gave me the opportunity to heal the deepest wounds of my childhood.

Reconnecting with Nature

The first reconnecting Greg helped me remember was that with nature. In our first meeting, we introduced ourselves and conversed briefly, then went for a hike in the woods right away. Before we began our hike, he told me how everything I see is alive. He talked to his car. He said hello to him and asked how he is doing.  He gave thanks to his water bottle for carrying his water. In the woods, he spoke to trees, plants, rocks, the river and snow. He told me that mother nature, too, has a language and she speaks to us -we just need to learn how to listen. He said that some of the trees or plants would sometimes shine a little brighter to his eyes, and that was their way of saying hello to him. He told me to stay present while we are walking, pay attention to what’s around and recognize all the life that is surrounding me. He invited me to greet them. “If you honor them, they will honor you."

I started looking around with great attention trying to notice each tree, plant, and rock we passed by.  Some of them started shining a little brighter to me as well, so I said, “Hi!” back to them.  Suddenly, the whole forest came alive; or rather I realized how alive the whole forest already was. I felt like a veil was lifted   from my eyes and I started to truly see the life in all of nature. In that moment, I felt deeply connected to mother nature like I never have before. With this connection, I’ve also realized how disconnected I previously was from nature, even in the moments of being immersed in nature. I realized being connected or disconnected from nature is not merely a physical matter. It’s not about whether we go on nature walks or go hiking or stay in our homes. Just being in nature does not necessarily mean we are connecting. We have to mentally be there; present, seeing, communicating and interacting with all of life in order to connect.

Before, I would complain about how my modern city life is so disconnected from nature. I would go hiking in the woods to connect, but then I would stay inside my head, drowning in my thoughts. Most of the time I wouldn’t even notice many trees or plants I walked by. I never realized they were also alive -breathing, seeing and feeling. I realized that most of my life I treated or perceived nature as a nice, relaxing background picture. As if it only existed as a beautiful backdrop to give me a relaxing feeling.  There was me and the nature. I perceived it as something outside of me. Something separate.  Now, I see that mother nature is an all encompassing life force and everything in it, including human beings, is one big community living together. All of nature is alive, breathing and communicating. Respected and deserving to be seen.  Thanks to Greg, I remembered how to genuinely connect with nature.

From Loneliness to Connection: A New Way of Living

In the past when I went for a hike, I would always think it was spent in solitude. I would think that I was alone in the forest. As we were hiking in the woods now, however, I felt that we were not alone.  I awakened to the forest and saw that the trees, plants, birds and other animals were seeing, recognizing and acknowledging us. I have been on many hikes since my work with Greg, and I’ve never felt alone. I always feel like I’m making new friends, meeting new beings, connecting and spending time with a vibrant community. All this time, the feeling I thought was loneliness, I now understand was not about being alone or loneliness at all. It was disconnection. Disconnection from life and livelihood. This was not a real, physical disconnection but a mental and spiritual one. To be able to connect with nature, with life around us, we need to get out of our heads first. Just because we are physically in nature or surrounded by crowds, doesn’t mean we are connected. To be able to truly see, we need to acknowledge and genuinely interact with what’s around us first. Unfortunately, in today’s world, we are so consumed by our own thoughts, feelings, needs, image, ego and the things we need to do. This self obsession and inability to get out of our own heads prevents us from connecting with life surrounding us in the present. It makes us feel that we are separate from the rest. Therefore, lonely, leading to an ever-present modern depression.

Greg gave me a priceless gift that changed the way I live my everyday life. Since then, I say hi to trees, flowers and all life whenever I see them.  Whether in a forest or in the middle of a big city, I ask them how they’re doing and try to listen their answer. I tell them how beautiful they are.  I can see them talking back to me by shining brighter. I walk slow so that when I see a beautiful flower, I don’t turn my head and keep walking.  I stop and tell that flower how beautiful she is and thank her for bringing beauty to her street.  To the lives of the many people who walk by and are graced with her beauty. This way of existing has significantly expanded the happiness, joy and love in my life.  I am a happier and more lively person. I feel like every plant I talk to, and every tree I hug, reciprocate good energy back to me. I believe that this mutual communication and connection with nature, with mother earth, is immensely healing in itself.

Following Divine Will over Good Ideas

On that first day that Greg and I went on a hike, we  walked on for a bit in silence, noticing and acknowledging the life in the forest. All of the sudden, Greg stopped abruptly. He said, “Something, an energy is pushing me back. It’s as if the forest doesn’t want us to go through this way. This tree right here is a gatekeeper and I feel like he is not letting us through. I wanted to take you somewhere specific for today’s session but this is the only way. Give me a minute of silence.” He then closed his eyes, stayed quiet for a minute, looked around and said, “Yes we are not supposed to go this way, even though that was my plan. But this is a good lesson for you. Whether it be in the forest or in life, when you’re finding your way, you will have great ideas and you will make plans to follow these great ideas. However, there is also divine will. There is a difference between a good idea and the divine will. You should always follow the divine will, not your good ideas, even when you cannot make any sense of it. This will always take you where you need to be. Today, I had a good idea to take you to a place I thought would be great, but divine will is telling me not to go this way and I don’t know why. I am also not sure where to take you right now, but I will not insist on my good idea and listen to divine will. My heart is telling me that you should lead the way from now on. This will be a good practice for you. I know you do not know your way around in this forest which is great. I want you to listen and follow your heart. Don’t think. Don’t look for a path. Let your heart and your feet take you wherever you want to go. You don’t need to be afraid of getting lost, I know every corner of this forest. I can get us out no matter where you take us. Okay, let’s go. You lead and I will follow you. Let’s see where you will take us.”

The Strength in Vulnerability: Wisdom from Melting Ice

I obliged and started walking without thinking at all. I felt like a little kid, my inner child coming out, playful and joyous. I let my mind go completely and followed only my heart, letting my feet carry me through. We came to crossroads where a clear path was carved, but my heart did not want to go that way, so we didn’t. Instead I led us through the bushes where there was no path at all. After a while, I came upon a beautiful rock that was covered with ice, but the ice was slowly melting turning into flowing water. I found the rock, the ice and the tiny waterfall very beautiful, so I practiced my newfound approach to nature and greeted the rock. I told him how gorgeous he was. When I touched him, I felt immense strength and stability. When I looked at the ice on it more closely, I was mesmerized by the structure and beauty of the ice. Right at that moment, Greg asked me, “What is this place telling you?’  I responded to him what came from my heart at that moment without thinking. I believe the rock was talking through me:

“This place reminded me that vulnerability exists simultaneously with resilience and immense strength. We often perceive vulnerability as a weakness, but this place resembles the opposite. Perhaps the things or people we see as vulnerable are simply those who are more open to change, to transformation. I watch the ice over the rocks breaking and falling down. Does that make the ice weak or prone to destruction? I don’t think so.  I am watching the ice melting on the ground and joining the stream as water. The ice is not destroyed, it is simply transformed into a different form and continues existing, flowing in a different form. Maybe we too are sometimes broken to let go of the past, and adjust to different seasons of our lives. It is said that once broken it will never be the same again. Well, maybe we also break because we are not supposed to be the same anymore.  Maybe we don’t want to stay the same. Maybe through breaking we are transforming just like the ice here. Once, I read an essay on love by a Sufi author.  I remember she wrote that the heart must be broken so that God’s love and light can enter inside. I remember being deeply affected by this quote. This place reminds me of this quote. Perhaps the sensitive hearts that can be broken easily are the ones who embody God’s love the most. Since God is love, through carrying love, they carry God within their heart. So even though we perceive sensitive souls as fragile or weak, I believe they are the ones who possess an immense power that the mind cannot grasp. An invisible strength.  The ones who carry God within their hearts also possess God’s cosmic power and strength within.”

I thanked the rock for its wisdom and continued walking. After walking a bit further, we arrived at a cross section. Greg said, “You've come to a very important place. This is the intersection of four paths. Each path leads to a different healing space. Which direction do you want to go?" Without thinking, I continued on a path my feet were taking me.  I came to a very beautiful small tree standing right at the center of an open area, surrounded by agave plants.

Towards Healing the Inner Child

“I feel a sacred energy here," I said. Greg replied, “This tree energetically represents the inner child. It is a tree that can heal your inner child. It is impressive and also interesting that you found this place without knowing your way around the forest. It seems developing a good relationship with your inner child is important to you, and your inner children seem to need some healing.” With this, the second priceless reconnecting that Greg helped me to remember was set in motion. Over the next month in Sedona we did a lot of work surrounding my inner children. Through our work, I had the chance to reconnect with my inner child from different periods of my life. For the first time in a very long time, I had the chance to give them the attention, love and compassion they deserved and longed for. Thus, I was able to develop a deeper and vastly more loving relationship with myself.

Urala