#7 Sedona Diaries: Reconnecting with my Inner Child

Greg and I were standing by a sacred tree.

Greg: “This tree energetically represents the inner child. It can help you to heal your childhood wounds. It's quite impressive and interesting that you found your way here through the forest without knowing this area at all. It seems developing a good relationship with your inner child is important to you. You might need some healing in this area. Now, close your eyes and hug the tree. Let's see how you feel.”

I closed my eyes and hugged the tree. After a while, I opened my eyes.

Urala: “I feel a shy little girl inside me. Very sweet and playful - she wants to run and play.”

Greg: “Yes, I saw her spiritually beside you. She is your five year old self. She told me that she wants to connect with you more often, but she is afraid to bother you. Does this mean anything to you?”

In this moment, my five year old self appeared right in front of my eyes. She was so tiny and incredibly cute. She was full of life— eager to run, play, and explore. A curious and adorable little girl. I must have been so harsh with her over the years that she now feared disturbing me with her playfulness. In our society, we often wag our fingers at active children, trying to force them to be good girls/boys and scold them when they don't conform. In doing so, not only do we rob them of their free spirits, joy, and curiosity for life, but we also teach them how to treat themselves when they grow up. We shape their inner voices. So, the result is a world full of people who are constantly shaming themselves to be ‘good’. They become extremely critical of themselves and very intolerant of their mistakes. We are afraid to be who we really are because we believe if we are seen as who we really are then the world will reject us. We continue living our lives unhappy, yearning to be our genuine free selves. When I heard my inner child through Greg, I realized how harshly I've learned to treat myself, and how much I've wagged my own finger at this little girl over the years that she's become hesitant to connect with me. My heart sank and tears welled up in my eyes.

Urala: “Yes, I’m very sorry. It seems that I haven’t treated her kindly all these years.”

Greg: “So, what do you want to tell her now?”

Urala: “I want to tell her that she doesn’t need to be afraid anymore— that I love her very much and that we can play together freely.”

Greg: “Okay— then look into her eyes and say it. Then in the end say, ‘wherever you go I go, wherever I go you go, we are always together’, so that she knows you’ll never abandon her.”

I looked at the girl in front of me, took her hands and said, "I am very sorry for being so harsh with you all this time. You don’t need to be afraid anymore. You can never bother me. I am always delighted to be with you and spend time with you. You bring joy and happiness into my life. I love you very, very much. Wherever you go I go, wherever I go you go. I will always be with you.” I saw the sparkle in her eyes.

I also noticed that I was still judging myself for not being a good mother to my inner child. I decided to change this as well. I may have lacked acceptance and compassion for this little girl, but this is because I was unaware. I did not know any better considering my own upbringing and childhood wounds. Now, as I learn and know better, I can do better. Thus, I embraced both my inner child and myself as her mother -who has been striving to do her best, who has never given up on herself or her little inner child even through rough times. So, I forgave all parts of myself. Moreover, in this moment, I also felt forgiveness towards my own parents. I felt my deep inner resentments for their mistakes being replaced with love and compassion. They, too, did their best, as much as they knew how. So, I thanked them for always doing their best and never giving up on me despite the difficulties we’ve faced in our relationship.

Since this day, I refuse to blame, criticize or speak ill of myself or others. Instead I try to replace it with compassion and love as much as I can. Because I know that at the end of the day we are all trying and doing what we are capable of at that moment. As my dear Roko has said to me, “Doing what you are capable of is already the best there ever is, and therefore enough.”

At this moment in Sedona, next to a beautiful tree in the forest, I felt an important door opening towards healing and making peace with my childhood along with  a deeper self-love.

Greg: “Fantastic! I can see your little girl glowing, she is very happy! We can start our journey back. When we are back we will discuss how to communicate with our inner children. Now that you’ve opened the door to connecting with them, my guess is that they will be visiting you in the coming days. How you talk to them is going to be very important for healing your relationship with them and with yourself.”

And so, we began to walk back. Along the way, my five year old self stayed with me. I could feel and see her running, jumping, and playing in the forest with me. She was talking to the trees and rocks. Through her I also returned to my playful, cheerful, curious self. I realized how much I missed being a child. As I started seeing life through my child’s eyes everything, even the most ordinary things, began to look magical.

When we got back, Greg and I sat down to talk.

Greg: “Do you know how to talk to your inner child when she doesn’t feel good?”

Urala: “I am not sure. I think I do.”

Greg: “Okay, let’s say she’s not feeling good right now. She is afraid of upsetting you. What would you tell her?”

Urala: “Oh, sweetie, it’s okay! You don’t need to be afraid, everything is okay. I love you very much.”

Greg: “You just dismissed her feelings by saying ‘everything is okay, you don’t need to be afraid.’ You are telling her she shouldn’t be afraid or there’s nothing to be afraid of which sends her the message that her feeling of being afraid is wrong. She will become hesitant to talk to you next time she is feeling afraid.”

Urala: “Oh, yes, I never thought about it this way.”

Greg: “Instead, try this: ‘I see you’re not feeling great, would you like to talk to me? Are you scared? Yes, I understand why this is scary for you, it is a scary situation. I am not upset, you are not upsetting me. I love you very much."

Try to approach your inner child with love, compassion and playful curiosity when she is not feeling good. If you do, she will learn to trust you and open up. It’s important not to get upset because she is feeling bad or to tell her there is no reason to feel this way. Therefore, giving her the message that it is wrong to feel bad. Don’t try to cheer her up. Simply approach her with loving curiosity. Genuinely try to understand why she is feeling this way. Show her that you see her, that you accept and love her fully and unconditionally. Healing your relationship with your inner child means genuinely trying to understand her feelings. Showing her that you see, accept and love her as she is. It is not about fixing her feelings or trying to make her feel better.

Reminding me how to talk to my inner children, and myself, is the second priceless gift Greg gave me. After our conversation, my inner voice has been transformed in a more loving, compassionate and accepting way. Up until this point, the way I talked to myself during difficult times was always aimed at cheering myself up or trying to make myself feel better. I thought this was the most loving way to show up for myself -to show myself that I deserve to feel better or am worthy of feeling better. But I haven’t realized that my attitude has caused me to feel even less worthy because it gave me the message that I am not accepted as I am - with my sadness, laziness, anger, sorrows and all other difficult feelings. I’ve never been able to show myself that I am unique, worthy and still lovable with these feelings as a whole, full spectrum human being.

Therefore, I dedicated my month in Sedona to reconnecting with my inner children from different ages. Listening to them, hearing them, giving them the love and compassion they deserve. However, I was not sure how to connect or call upon my inner children. I was not sure if I should set aside a special time for this or if I should go back to a specific time period in my memories. When I asked these questions to Greg, he said that I don’t need to force anything and that it was simply enough to set my intention to connect with my inner children.

Greg: “Tell them that you are ready to hear them out and that they can visit you whenever they want. Then, all you need to do is to create space. Wisdom loves space. Make sure there is plenty of time in your routine when you do nothing but spend time with yourself and stay within. You will see in these empty moments, divine wisdom will suddenly flow and appear within you. Similarly, in these empty moments, when you are not watching anything or looking at your phone, maybe when you are simply just sitting in a park and looking at the sky, the children within you will start to speak to you. If you listen to them with an open heart, without trying to change anything, then you might have the opportunity to heal a lot of your wounds just by listening.”

So, I spent plenty of idle time with myself in nature and my inner children have visited me frequently. I listened to them, spent a lot of time with them and embarked on many fun adventures. As I listened to them in a loving, accepting way, only with an admiring curiosity, my love for myself has also deepened day by day. After some time, I realized that I could embrace myself fully, even my challenging parts, stroke my own hair and hold my own hand. This brought so much ease to the flow of my life. When I stopped constantly tackling myself or trying to solve my ‘problems’, a ton of weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I started living life more freely and lightly. I enjoyed life the most whenever I reunited with my inner children. I have explored how beautiful life is from the eyes of a child— when it is lived only with curiosity and joy, without judgement and a wide open mind. How magical everything becomes when we look at life around us only to see and admire without needing to form an opinion or judgement about it.

After my talk with Greg, I went back home to write my blog. I made myself some tea and opened my laptop. Right at this moment Andrew texted me. These were the beginning times of our relationship, so we were newly flirting with each other and texting or talking everyday. But since I met him just recently, I still had many questions, fears and anxieties within me. After every talk I was falling in love with him a little bit more. With each conversation we were discovering how aligned our values and dreams were. And so, my fears and anxieties started rising as well because all of this just sounded too good to be true. My mind was screaming at me, “You just met him. You don’t know who he is. What if he is a psychopath or a scammer? How can you trust him? This is too good to be true. If you let yourself get carried away you’ll be hurt badly. You should run away now before you get hurt.” I had been trying to remind myself of my magic— my own creative and manifestation power. I tried to remind myself that I wrote this script and it would turn out however I wanted it to. I tried to restore myself to faith. However, my anxieties were still there talking.

I told myself, “Urala, even if this guy is a psychopath, why does it matter? You are already very happy with your life. You can just leave whenever you want, there is no need to be afraid.” It did not work, my heart was still sinking. So I decided to listen to Greg and I stopped trying to make myself feel better. Obviously it was not the self sufficient, independent adult me who was scared, but it was my little inner child. So I stopped, closed my eyes, focused on my breaths and found stillness. When I opened my eyes, my five year old self was sitting right in front of me.

30 yo Urala: “Ah, hello my little one. I see that you’re scared. What is it that scares you? Would you like to talk about it?"

5 yo Didem: “Now that you’ve found love, I’m afraid you’ll forget about me. I’m afraid you’re going to abandon me because of your new boyfriend. If you fall in love with him, are you gonna leave me behind? What if I don’t like him? What if he isn’t good to me? Are you gonna give up on me then? Are you not going to play with me anymore?”

30 yo Urala: “Oh baby, I am so sorry for making you feel this way. I understand now why this is so frightening for you. I will never forget or abandon you. I love you so much. You bring so much joy to my life. I will play with you anytime you want. I love playing with you. Remember what I said in the woods: ‘Wherever you go I go, wherever I go you go, we will always be together.’ If you don’t like this man, and if he isn’t good to you, I promise I will kick him out of our lives.”

5 yo Didem: “Really? Then I decide whether he gets to stay or not! Okay?”

30 yo Urala: “Okay! We have a deal!”

5 yo Didem: “If I say ‘he goes’, then you’ll send him away! Okay?”

30 yo Urala: “Yes I promise. Whatever you say. I can even send him away now, would you like that?”

5 yo Didem: "No. I don’t want him to go just yet. He seems fun for now. I like him. He can stay for now.”

30 yo Urala: “Okay, my little one. How are you feeling now?"

5 yo Didem: "Much better,” she said giggling as she slowly faded away.

Thus, began a very fun and sweet friendship with my five year old self. I kept my promise and spent a lot of time with her. Whenever she wanted to play, I played with her. Which sometimes meant running and skipping in the woods,  or sometimes it was dancing at home or watching cartoons together. Every moment we spent together was healing for me. As our relationship strengthened, I watched my love for myself and my self esteem grow stronger and deeper.

I watched my fears and anxieties regarding Andrew and romantic relationships, which I could never seem to quell, disappear day by day. I was no longer afraid because it wasn’t me who was scared, it was the little child inside me. What she was afraid of was not whether or not Andrew was a psychopath, or getting heartbroken by him, it was whether I would abandon her or not within a romantic relationship. As I spent more time with her and showed her how much I loved her, her fears gradually vanished. With time she started trusting me again knowing that I would never abandon her for anyone. I started trusting myself again. As her fears and anxieties faded, I too felt more at ease. And so, I was able to be present as a woman in my relationship with Andrew instead of a scared little girl.

Over the course of my relationship with Andrew, I often ask my sweet inner child whether she was happy or not. If she enjoys our time spent together with him. She is happy and she actually likes him as a playmate too. There are times, however, that she is upset about certain things and it is very important that I voice these things and don’t ignore her feelings. As I acknowledged her concerns and expressed them within my relationships, as I protected and cherished her, I noticed that my relationships with others also began to heal. My relationship with the world and life itself began to heal. I found myself waking up most days with the curiosity, excitement and joy of a five year old.

As adults we believe we are superior, wiser than children. However, I have learned so much from this little child within me. Thanks to her, I was able to heal many wounds and remember how to live life with sincerity and courage. This little five year old child brought not only joy, beauty and magic into my life, but also immense wisdom and insight. I cannot express my gratitude and love for her with words.

A-ho my little girl!

Urala